You should eat 1200 calories a day

My wife said she’d like to have another baby. I agreed. The one we have is starting to annoy me.
“Are you single?”
“No, I’m plural.”
“I mean are you free this Saturday?”
“No, I’m rather expensive.”
I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
Murphy: “What do you call leprechauns who collect aluminum cans, used newspapers, and plastic bottles?”
Liam: “What?”
Murphy: “Wee-cyclers!”
Nutritionist: You should eat 1200 calories a day.
Me: OK, and how many at night?
Doctor: Are you still taking the cough medicine I gave you?
Patient: No, I tasted it and decided I’d rather have the cough.
I told my friend that my wife and I had a huge argument and she left for the Caribbean.
“Jamaica?” he asked.
“No,” I replied, “she went of her own accord.”
What do you hear when a Judge is learning to play the piano?
The Scales of Justice.
The mother-in-law stopped by her daughter’s house after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened?” she asked anxiously.
“I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife- your daughter – telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home and found your daughter in bed with the gardner! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
“Calm down, calm down!” said his mother-in-law. “There’s something very odd about that. She would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her and find out what happened.”
A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, “I told you there must be a simple explanation — she didn’t get your email.”
“Doctor, Doctor, I have a hoarse throat.”
“Well I hate to break it you, but the resemblance doesn’t end there.”
Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.
Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, “We don’t seem to be having much luck.”
The other replies, “Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!”
On a narrow mountain road a man saw a car driving uphill backwards.
“Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?”
“Because we are not sure if there’s enough space to make a U-turn on top of the mountain.”
After one hour the same man saw the same car driving downhill backwards.
“But guys, why are you driving backwards again?”
“There was enough space to make a U-turn up there.”
After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.
“We just can’t wake her. It doesn’t look good I’m afraid,” the doctor told Ralph.
Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said, “But doctor, she’s so young. She’s only forty-five.”
“Thirty-Seven,” came the weak reply from Lena.
Jeff asked his father for advice before proposing to his girlfriend.
“What happened, son?” his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. “Did she accept?”
“When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out,” said the son.
“Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? ‘Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.’ Did you tell her that?” asked his father.
“Pretty much,” Jeff replied. “I told her she had a face that would stop a clock!'”
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel