Jim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs.”
Jim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in.
As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
John went with a bunch of friends on a camping trip for the weekend.
“How was the camping trip?” asked a co-worker a few days later.
John replied, “It was intense!”
What do you call 40 men in a bar watching the Super Bowl?
The New York Jets.
A wife complained, “You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear…”
The husband replied, “Sure honey, I’ll have a beer.”
Me: “I wanna travel!”
My bank account: “Like… to the backyard, you mean?”
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
“That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”
A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Brody?”
“Mother,” says Brody, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”
“Oh, Brody! How do you manage to put up with them?”
“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a Genie came out.
The Genie said, “For releasing me from the lamp, I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double what you ask for.”
The man agreed, and said, “I want to have a huge mansion.”
The Genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said, “I would like a million dollars.”
The Genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, “Now, scare me half to death!”
A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered. When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could.
‘What’s your job there?’ the caller asked.
The man replied, ‘I’m the company’s president.’
There was a pause. Then the caller said, ‘I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows what’s going on.’