I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth

While visiting a water show a tourist asked one of the divers, “Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?
To which the diver replied, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
••••••••••
A guy, desperate for a drink walks into a candy store. He looks around and after a while the storekeeper says, “Can I help you with anything?”
The guy replies, “Yeah, I really need a drink! Got any liquor?”
“Well, I’m not sure but there is this here,” replies the storekeeper. “It’s liquor-ish.”
••••••••••
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express lane where the clerk was talking on the phone with the back turned to her.
“Excuse me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?”
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down and said, “Not bad.”
••••••••••
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”
“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”
“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”
“Oh sure,” he said. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
••••••••••
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent.
••••••••••
The pastor of a local church was visited by a man evidently worse for liquor, and a young lady.
She said to the minister, “Please, sir, we’ve come to be married.”
“I can’t marry you with this man in this condition,” said the clergyman. “Besides haven’t you been here twice before, and haven’t I told you the same thing?”
Yes,” replied the lady. “But when he isn’t drunk, I can’t get him to come with me.”
••••••••••
How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner!”
••••••••••
A bunch of men were sitting around the playing poker.
“I win!” said Johnson.
Henderson threw down his cards, “That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is cheating!!!”
“How can you tell?” Phillip asked.
“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”
••••••••••
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
••••••••••
Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,”You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.”
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, “You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was so guilty, so I told him to split.”
••••••••••
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so the call went out. Finally, a Scotsman was located and he willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank you card and a box of chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
“I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money. But you only gave me a thank you card and a box of chocolates.”
To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.”

Little Johnny, instead of an apple, would daily bring his new teacher a pretzel from his uncle’s bakery. She always thanked Little Johnny but one day she said, “These pretzels are very good but do you think your uncle could make them with no salt?”

Every day afterwards the pretzel was salt free. After a while the teacher felt she was making too much extra work for Little Johnny’s uncle to make them without salt especially for her.