A blind man was out walking with his service dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man’s leg.
Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog’s head. Having watched what happened, a bystander said, “Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!”
“I know,” said the blind man, “but I gotta find his head before I can kick his behind.”
The first-time flier was very nervous as he buckled his seat belt before takeoff. He turned to the woman in the next seat and asked, “About how often do jetliners like this crash?”
She thought a moment and replied, “Usually, just once.
My wife claims I’m a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.
I told her she’s way off base!
“Hello, police department? I’ve lost my cat and… ”
“I’m sorry lady, but this is not a police job, you can try calling…”
“But you don’t understand, this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human. He can practically talk.”
“Well, in that case ma’am, you’d better hang up. He may be trying to call you.”
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
“What’s the matter son?” asked his mother.
“Aw, gee,” said the boy, “it’s my marks. They’re all wet.”
“What do you mean, ‘all wet’?” she asks.
“I mean,” he replied, “well below C-level.”
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time?”
“No,” he replied. “A whole lot of them begin with ‘If elected, I promise …'”
At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling. “Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted.”
“Oh my, “the grandmother says. “He and I must have the same landlord.”
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?”
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
A ninety year old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor. The advisor is very excited and tells the old man, “ I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”
“Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas!”
One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and with eyes glistening, she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50.”
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” the husband replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”
A newly married couple was having breakfast at their new apartment when the next door neighbor hung out laundry that appeared to still be dirty.
She made this comment every Monday for the next month. Finally, one day, the neighbor’s wash appeared to be perfectly clean. The new wife commented on this and said the whole load looked really good.
The husband then replied, “Honey, I got up early today and washed our windows.”
• Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
• Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
• Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you