The 4 stages of man

The 4 stages of man…
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
He looks like Santa Claus.
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What do you call people afraid of Santa Clause.?
Clausterphobic.
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Customer: “Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud.”
Waiter: “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”
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Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, he confronted Tom. “Tom what’s going on?”
“It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!”
“Hey wait a second!” said Mark. “Aren’t I your best friend?”
“Not any more,” Tom said. “He is!”
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My wife just called me pretentious.
I was so surprised my monocle fell out.
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Sergeant: “Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the woods. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us.”
Private: “Yes, sir! But if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front, sir!”
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For a while I worked at a sarcastic tattoo parlor.
I quit because I couldn’t take the needling.
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I am learning to joust in the evenings. Well it’s actually knight classes.
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I googled Missing Medieval Servant. And it came up with Page Not Found.
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The problem isn’t obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
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Business idea: A home surgery kit called Suture Self.
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I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
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Why do archaeologists get all the girls?
Because they have the best dating techniques.
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A female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward her, but he was walking straight and not sideways.
Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately. The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab. She asked, “What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!”
He answered, “What?! I can’t get that drunk every day!”
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Don’t argue with an idiot.
People watching may not be able to tell the difference.
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On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her counter and sees a dog waiting in line.
“Oh, aren’t you cute?” she says. “What would you like me to put on your telegram?”
“Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow,” the dog replies.
The clerk says in a cutesy voice, “But you can add another ‘Bow wow wow’ for the same price.”
The dog responds, “Now wouldn’t that sound a little silly?”
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Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off till further notice!
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A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.
He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”
The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”
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Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
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More silly stuff to ponder…
• Did Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
• What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
• What’s another word for synonym?