I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

Customer: “Nothing looks good on me anymore.”
Salesperson: “Nonsense, ma’am. That dress says it all.”
Customer: “That’s the problem. I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other that the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids!”
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Postman: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?
Me: We had an argument, and she’s not talking to me.
Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror.
“Nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.”
“That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”
Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually…
It took me tten minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.
Why did the man give up being a taxi driver?
There was too much talking behind his back.
Banks should do better at keeping their ATM filled. I went to five in oen day and they all said, “Insufficient Funds.’’
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self- help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
We were driving in my friend Larry’s new car. I asked him about its features.
“It tells me to slow down as I approach the speed limit. It warns me when I have to stop. It points out solid no-passing lines,” he explained, “but these features work only when my wife is in the car.”
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Two nudists were discussing politics.
One says, “Have you read Marx?”
The other nods, “It’s these blasted wicker chairs.”
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Tourist: “The flies are awfully thick around here. Don’t you ever shoo them?”
Native: “Nope, we just let them go barefoot.”
Guy- Hello, I am Ron’s friend.
Boss- Okay. How can I help you?
Guy- Ron won’t be able to make it to work today.
Boss- What nonsense. Why can’t he call and inform me?
Guy- He is in hospital.
Boss- You’re lying. I saw him dancing with a female yesterday at the discotheque.
Guy- I am not lying. His wife also saw them dancing.
A few brewmasters go out for beers. The brewmaster from Budweiser. He tells the bartender, “I’ll have the king of beers! One Budweiser please.”
The brew master from Coors. He tells the bartender, “I’ll have the only beer brewed with pure Rocky Mountain spring water! One Coors please.”
The brew master from Miller. He tells the bartender, “I’ll have the champagne of beers!. One Miller please.”
The brew master from Guinness says, “I’ll have a Coke.”
“Aren’t you going to order a Guinness?” one of them asks.
The brew master from Guinness replies, “I figured if none of you were going to drink beer, I wouldn’t either.”
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies
like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’