Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don’t really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.
“If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist,” I declared, “I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion.”
Without hesitating, he replied, “From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me.”
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When the gambler wakes up from dreaming about a huge glowing number 5 made of gold and diamonds, he knows it’s an omen.
He grabs a racing form and looks up that day’s fifth race. Sure enough, the number 5 horse in the fifth race is Fifth Element. So for the rest of the day he does everything in fives: He eats five bowls of cereal for breakfast, goes for a five-mile run, takes a five minute shower, and wears the fifth jacket he finds in his closet.
At the racetrack, he buys five programs, bets $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race, and sits in the fifth seat of the fifth row of the bleachers in section five.
And when the gun goes off, he settles in and watches his horse come in fifth.
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A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her chronic hiccups though, didn’t I?”
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A patient sobs to his doctor, “I feel like a pair of curtains!”
Doctor replies, “Well pull yourself together man!”
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A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch. He picks it up and throws it across the street.
A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.
The snail looks up and says, “What the heck was that all about?”
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A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
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Johnathan asked his young son, “Greg, do you think I’m a bad father?”
“My name is Andrew,” replied his son.
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I found this timely because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?”
I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.’’
She didn’t quite know how to respond.
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Old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
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I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it ‘Pumping Rust.’
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Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’
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The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When the gambler wakes up from dreaming about a huge glowing number 5 made of gold and diamonds, he knows it’s an omen.
He grabs a racing form and looks up that day’s fifth race. Sure enough, the number 5 horse in the fifth race is Fifth Element. So for the rest of the day he does everything in fives: He eats five bowls of cereal for breakfast, goes for a five-mile run, takes a five minute shower, and wears the fifth jacket he finds in his closet.
At the racetrack, he buys five programs, bets $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race, and sits in the fifth seat of the fifth row of the bleachers in section five. And when the gun goes off, he settles in and watches his horse come in fifth.
•••••••••
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
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Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why do they report power outages on TV?

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