Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Doctor: Alright, I have your diagnosis.
Patient: Make it quick Doc, I don’t have all day.
Doctor: So who told you?
••••••••••
Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband: “Hunting flies.”
Wife: “Oh, killed any?
Husband: “Yep, Three males, two females.”
Wife: “How can you tell them apart?”
Husband: “Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone.”
••••••••••
A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now these are real tough guys in here. Can handle it?”
“No problem,” the applicant replied. “If they don’t behave, out they go!”
••••••••••
One minute you are young and fun. The next you are turning down the stereo in your car so you can see better.
••••••••••
My geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no ‘R’ in it.
I said, “No way!”
••••••••••
A man sees a job published on a building site. The man goes to speak to the foreman and applies.
Foreman: “Can you drive a forklift truck?”
Man: “No.”
Foreman: “Can you plaster?”
Man: “No.”
Foreman: “Can you brick lay?”
Man: “No.”
Foreman: “If you don’t mind me asking, what’s handy about you?”
Man: “I only live five minutes down the road.”
••••••••••
There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19. His name was Constant-Teen.
••••••••••
Seeing her friend Marcia wearing a new locket, Ashley asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Marcia, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive?”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
••••••••••
Employer: “We offer group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee’s pay.”
Job Seeker: “My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years’ salary for life insurance and a month’s sick leave. And they paid the full premiums.”
Employer: “I can’t help but ask madam why you would leave a job with such benefits?”
Job Seeker: “The company went bankrupt.”
••••••••••
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money!
••••••••••
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”
••••••••••
A baker in love with a married woman went to the woman’s house while her husband was home, bringing a wedding cake.
“Edith, darling!” said the baker. “I have our wedding cake made! Let us go and get married!”
Alarmed, the husband said, “What’s going on here, Edith? What’s this baker doing here?”
The baker said, “Did you not hear? I am in love with your wife and I want her to leave you and marry me. That is why I baked this wedding cake. We are heading off now!”
The husband raised his fists in the air and shouted, “Stop right there. My wife can leave with your, if she wants to. But the cake stays here!”
“Why?” asked the baker.
The husband said, “Because you can’t have your cake and Edith too!”
••••••••••
Signs of the time…..
• Frog Parking Only. Others Will Be Towed
• I Want To Grow My Own Food. But I Can’t Find Bacon Seeds
• I Checked Into The Hokey Pokey Clinic And Turned Myself Around.