On a cross country train, one of the passengers told the Pullman porter, “I must get off in Chicago. I’ll probably be very sleepy and may even object to getting off. Don’t mind that. Throw me off the train if necessary.”
The train had long since passed Chicago when the passenger woke on his own accord. He stormed down the train looking for the porter. As they almost collided between cars the porter said, “My goodness! How did you get back on this train?”
Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge.
It’ll be called YouTwitFace.
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience.
The man said, “Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew.”
“Have you ever stuck your head in a lion’s mouth?”
“Just once,” the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, “Why only once?”
The man said, “I was looking for my father.”
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.
The waiter asked him the lone diner for his order. the customer replied, “Meat loaf and a kind word.”
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, “Where’s the kind word?”
“Don’t eat the meat loaf,” was the reply.
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, do they automatically lose because they can’t find themselves?
Drill Sergeant “What was your occupation before enlisting in the army?”
Recruit: “Traveling salesman, sir.”
Drill Sergeant: “Stick around, you’ll get plenty of orders around here!”
“Look at the size of this piece of beef. Last evening, I received a piece more than twice its size,” said the customer.
“Where did you sit?” asked the waiter.
“By the window. Why does that matter?”
“We always serve larger portions to customers sitting by the window. It’s good advertising.”
“You don’t love me any more,” the wife sobbed. “You use to be so nice to me, and now you are always barking and growling.”
“What do you expect,” replied the husband. “You’ve always got me in the doghouse.”
Daughter: “I saw a deer on the way to school.’’
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”
New Neighbor: “We’re a military family.”
Neighbor: “Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve.”
Neighbor: “They’re very well behaved.”
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.
“I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check,’’ the woman told the repairman. “By the way, don’t worry about my Doberman. He won’t bother you. But do not talk to my parrot!”
When the repairman arrived at the apartment, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen.
But, the dog just layed down on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling.
Finally, the repairman couldn’t stand it any longer and yelled:
“Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied:
“Get him, Spike!
“You don’t love me any more,” she sobbed. “You use to be so nice to me, and now you are always barking and growling.”
“What do you expect,” he demanded. “You’ve always got me in the doghouse.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you take things too literally.”
Me: “When did my resume learn to talk?”