I’m really good at being lazy

I’m really good at being lazy. In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy, I should expect a-trophy.
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Photographer to young man: “It will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father’s shoulder.”
Father: “It would be much more realistic if he had his hand in my pocket.”
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The latest reports from the Internal Revenue service shows that it has streamlined its tax form for the next the year.
It goes like this:
A. How much did you make last year?
B. How much do you have left?
C. Send B.
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Three politicians were in a bar having a heated discussion as to which one was the best liar. The bartender suggested they have a liars contest. A
fter agreeing to the rules the first says, “I have never told a lie,”
The second indicated that he was not capable of telling a lie.
The third won the prize as he assured the bartender that, “The other two had told the exact truth.”
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Four old guys see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar – All drinks 10 cents. They go inside, and in no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis for 10 cents each.
After they’ve each had two martinis for less than $1 dollar, one of the men speaks up, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10 cents?”
“I’m a retired tailor,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10 cents.”
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them.
“What’s with them,” asks one of the oldtimers.
“They’re from Michigan,’’ he answers. “They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”
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After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, “Here’s your phone.”
“What makes you think its mine?” the ref asked.
“Easy,” the coach replied. “It says you missed 13 calls!”
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Two bass violinists playing performing Beethoven’s Ninth with their local symphony sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a few drinks during a 20 minute passage in which when they have nothing to do.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. “Hey! We need to get back!”
“No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist, “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.”
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. A member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
“Well, of course,” said her companion, “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”
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I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Wednesday is open Mike night!
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A guy goes to confession and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. On Friday I went golfing and I used the “F” word.’’
The priest says, “Tell me about it, my son.”
The man says, “I was on the first tee, and I shanked a shot wide left.”
The priest says, “oh, you must have said it then.”
The man said, “No, because the ball went into the woods, hit a tree, and bounced back right in the middle of the fairway.”
The priest says, “and then what happened?” The man said, “I hit my second shot, and the ball went wide right.”
The priest says, “so that’s when you said it?”
The man says, “No, because my shot hit the ball washer machine on the next hole, popped up, and wound up right in the low rough.”
So the priest says, “Oh, so that’s when you said it, then.”
“No, because I took my wedge and hit it, and it wound up on the green, about six inches from the cup”
The priest says, “Don’t tell me you missed that f-ng putt.”
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Jim: “Do you play any dangerous sports?”
Joe: “I sometimes argue with my wife.”
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I think the scariest part of the song “Born to be Wild” is when they find a head out on the highway.