Three bikers walk into a diner

I’ve noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
They have no wife to go home to.or they do!
At an art gallery, a woman and her 10 year old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one.
“I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one,” said the gallery owner.
“No,” said the boy. “This painting is wider, so it’ll cover the three holes I put in the wall.”
Doctor: “Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?”
Patient: “Good new please!”
Doctor: “We’re naming a disease after you.”
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “He was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “He was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.
The last guy says, “Look, he’s Moving!”
A woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside.
“That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash. Perhaps she needs better soap powder,’’ she says.
A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly.”
The husband replied, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
It’s flooding down on the Bayou and everyone is scrambling.
One man climbs to the roof of his house and waits for help.
A boater comes by and asks if he wants to be carried to safety.
He says, “No, the Lord will save me.”
Another boater comes by and asks the same question.
He relplies, “No the Lord will save me.”
Finally, he’s up by the chimney and a helicopter hovers above him and asks if he needs help.
He says, “No, the Lord will save me.”
He drowns and meets God in heaven and asks, “Lord, why didn’t you save me.”
The Lord replies, “I sent two boats and a helicopter, what were you waiting for?”
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant.
A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, “Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!”
“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
“Whatever,’’ she replies. “Just so you’re out of the house by noon!”
Three bikers walk into a diner and see an old man eating dinner. One of the bikers puts his cigarette in the man’s food. Another takes the man’s milk and spills it on the floor. The 3rd biker takes the man’s dessert and mushes it on the man’s head. Quietly, the man pays his bill and leaves the diner.
, “Not much of a man,’’ says one of them to the waitress.
The waitress replies, “He’s not much of a driver either. He just ran his 18-wheeler over 3 motorcycles in the parking lot.”
Little Johnny: “Mom, Dad just backed out of the garage and ran over my bicycle!”
Mom: “Maybe in the future you shouldn’t leave it on the front lawn.”
At Grandpa Jones’ 100th birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.
He explained, “I put my long life down to spending so much time outdoors. I’ve been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.”
“How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?” they asked.
“It’s simple,” he said. “When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made a solemn pledge. We agreed that whenever we had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take a long walk.”
Jake: “I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortable seated.”
Lily: “So what do you do?”
Jake: “I close my eyes.”
A guy from Domino’s holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings rang my doorbell.
“I haven’t ordered any pizza,” I said. “This must be a mistake.”
“No,” he replied. “Your neighbor forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was