What kind of shoes do spies wear?

Doctor: “I have really bad news. You’re very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests and got the results back this morning. I’m afraid you have Avian flu, Ebola, and you’re positive for HIV and hepatitis.”
Patient: “Well, what’s next!? What are you going to do?”
Doctor: “Well, for starters, we’re putting you on a strict diet of only pizza.”
Patient: “Will that really help me?”
Doctor: “No. But it’s all we can fit under the door.”
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I need to re-home a dog.
It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.
If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll climb over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you.
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The wife and I were going on a holiday vacation, and when we got to the airport I said to her, “I wish I’d brought the television.”
She said, “Why, will you get bored?”
I said, “No, the passports are on top of it.”
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Driver: “Officer, I have a good explanation for why I was speeding.”
Officer: “Well, make it good or you’re getting a ticket. Especially since you didn’t pull over right away.”
Driver: “I can explain that, too.”
Officer: “Okay, but this better be good, because I’ve heard them all.”
Officer: “You see, my wife ran off with a Police Officer last month and I thought you might be him trying to return her.”
The officer let him go.
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Woman: “Sir, can you help me? I seem to have hit this squirrel with my car, and now I don’t know what to do.”
Crusty old vet: “He’s dead. That’ll be $30 for the office visit.”
Woman: “How can you say that he’s dead from all the way over there, without even looking at him? And the nerve, to charge me for an office visit, at that!”
The old vet left the room, and returned with a mangy old cat that was probably as old as he was. The cat sniffed the squirrel from nose to tail and then let out a forlorn single meow, jumped off the table and left.
The old vet left the room again, this time returning with an old Labrador retriever who licked the squirrel and let out a forlorn woof and walked away.
The old vet said, “I’m sorry ma’am, we did all we could do but he didn’t make it; he’s dead. That’ll be $500.”
The lady could barely control her rage. “How can you charge me $500 for that?
“Well,” said the old vet, “it’s $250 for the cat scan and another $250 for the Lab work.”
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Bob: Hey Al, you know you owe me $500.
Al: Yes.
Bob: I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll forget half of the money.
Al: That’s perfect, I’ll forget the other half.
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I have so much debt I can start a government.
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A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.
Her husband asked why.
“I have locked my phone with facial recognition,’’ she answered. “And it’s not recognizing me without makeup.”
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Alexander Graham Bell: “I invented the telephone!”
His brother, Taco: “I’m working on some pretty big stuff too.”
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For the second week in a row, my son and I were the only ones who showed up for his soccer team’s practice.
“Please tell your coach that we keep coming for practice, but no one is ever here,” I said.
My son rolled his eyes and said, ”He’ll just tell me the same thing he did before,” he replied.
“Which was?”
“That practice is now on Wednesdays, not Tuesdays.”
•••••••••
The wife and I were going on a holiday vacation, and when we got to the airport I said to her, “I wish I’d brought the television.”
She said, “Why, will you get bored?”
I said, “No, the passports are on top of it.”
•••••••••
A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a correction officer, “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”
The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats, sleeps and stays in his cell!”
The wife replies, “He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”
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Q: Why do barbers make good drivers?
A: They know all the shortcuts.
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Q: Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
A: He was too far out, man.
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Q: What kind of shoes do spies wear?
A: Sneakers.
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – All drinks 10p.” They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.