You only hear what you want to hear

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
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When I was a child, my parents used to always say “Pardon my French” after a swear word.
I’ll never forget the first day of French, when my teacher asked us if any of us knew any French.
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I took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow and was told, “This is extremely rare. Do you know what it would fetch in good condition?”
“Dunno,” I said. “A stick?”
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Your veterinarian won’t tell you this but if your dog is running a fever, go to the store and buy some mustard.
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It’s the best thing for a hot dog.
She wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldn’t afford them.
So she changed her name to JKM345.
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Mom: “If you wanted to go to the park with your friends, why didn’t you come and ask me first?”
Son: “Because I wanted to go to the park with my friends.”
A man went to the doctor with a mystery ailment.
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Doctor: “Do you drink to excess?”
Patient: “I’ll drink to anything.”
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My wife is mad at me. She asked me to sync her phone. So I threw it in the pool.
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I saw a woman in Wisconson with March Madness teeth.
She was down to the Final Four.
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A woman from Alabama and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The ‘Bama gal, tired, just wants to take a nap.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa.
Again, she declines.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”
Figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
“”What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs,” she asked.
The lawyer takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the woman, and hands her $500.
The woman says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the woman and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
The woman reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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Husband: “Darling, would you have married me if my father had not left me a fortune?”
Wife: “Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune.’’
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My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Rolls Royce.
“Wow,” I said. “That’s an amazing car.”
He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year!”
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Patient: It must be tough spending all day with your hands inside someone’s mouth?
Dentist: I prefer to think of it as having my hands inside their wallet.
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My buddy had just pulled out his putter when a young woman in a wedding dress came running up to him, crying.
She slaps him in the face, turns, and runs away.
My buddy turns to me and says calmly, “I don’t know what her problem is. I distinctly told her only if it rained.”
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Wife: “You only hear what you want to hear.”
Husband: “Yes. I would love a cold beer.”
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I now know how it will end for me. One of my kid’s will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
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I remember the time I was reminiscing my love life while cutting up an onion.
The onion cried.
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My wife’s text: “Does this dress make me look big?”
My answer: “Noooo.’’
It’s not my fault that Autocorrect changed it to “Moooo.”

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.