It’s been really hot this summer
It’s been really hot this summer.
The other day I saw a robin pulling a worm out of the ground using potholders.
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I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, “No, but I can hum a few bars of Bohemian Rhapsody!”
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Interviewer: “What would you consider to be your biggest weakness?”
Applicant: “I don’t know how to be anything other than completely honest with every single person I meet.”
Interviewer: “I don’t really see how honesty could be considered a weakness? In fact, I think honesty is a great strength!”
Applicant: “I don’t really give a flying flip what you think.”
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My wife went to a roofing seminar for women only.
She said it was great.
All the shingle ladies were there.
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One day a country pastor decided to close the church on a Sunday to go hunting. He goes to the forest and gets nothing.
He sees a big bear coming towards him. But he shoots and misses, ticking the bear off and causing it to chase the pastor.
“Lord I’m sorry for skipping Church. Please make this bear a Christian,” he says.
The bear stops gets on it’s knees and says, “Dear Lord, thank you for this meal I’m about to eat.”
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Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: OK, first, what’s the good news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: That is good news? I can’t imagine what the bad news is going to be.
Doctor: I forgot to phone you yesterday.
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I found that I feel a lot better now that I’ve switched from coffee to orange juice in the morning. My doctor said it is because of the vitamin C and natural sugars. But I think it’s the vodka.
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I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi!
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• I have my own serenity prayer: Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
• Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered my wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran and it was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after.
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Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husbannd: “Hunting flies.”
Wife: “Oh, killed any?”
Husband: “Yep, 3 males, 2 females.”
Wife: “How can you tell them apart?”
Husband: “3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.”
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Horse Trader: “I think your horse looks pretty good, so I’ll give you $500 for him.”
Farmer: “He doesn’t look good, and he’s not for sale.”
Horse Trader: “I think he looks good and I’ll up the price to $1000!”
Farmer: “He doesn’t look so good, but if you want him that much, he’s yours.”
Horse Trader: (next day): “You sold me a blind horse! You cheated me!”
Farmer: “I told you he didn’t look so good, didn’t I?”
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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “I’ve known you for over fifteen years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?”
“My wife just ran off with my best friend,” replies.
“But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!”
“Not anymore,’’ he replies. “He is.”
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have broken ribs.
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Boarding the aircraft for the first time, Judy settled into a window seat in the quietest part of the plane.
A man came over and said, “Ma’am, you’re in my seat.”
“Go away and find another seat!” Judy replied.
He said, “Okay, fine, you fly the plane.”