Two guys go into a pub

Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song “Yes, we have no bananas.”
Guy 1: I love this song!
Guy 2: Yes. I think it’s written by Mozart.
Guy 1: They didn’t make swing music in Mozart’s time. They didn’t even have bananas back then.
Guy 2: I know, that’s the name of the song!
•••••••••••
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It’s $200.
Patient: $200 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it more slowly if you like.
•••••••••••
“My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale,” the woman said.
“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.
“Normally, yes,” she replied. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”
•••••••••••
Joan: “I’m looking for a golden anniversary gift for my husband.”
Lisa: “But haven’t you only been married fifteen years?”
Joan: “Yes, but it feels like fifty!”
•••••••••••
Noticing a patient’s concern, the head surgeon traipsed up to him and said, “Don’t worry, in all of my experience as a surgeon, only one other patient has died.”
“Really?” the patient replied. “How many other patients have you had?”
“You’re my second,” the surgeon replied.
•••••••••••
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept when a pre-med student blurted out, “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
“To save lives,” the professor responded.
“So how does physics save lives?” asked the student.
“Because it keeps certain people out of medical school,” the professor replied.
•••••••••••
As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.
“I really only need mine for close reading,” explained the first.
“I only use mine when the light is bad,” the second said.
“I rarely wear mine – except when I want to see,” said the third.
•••••••••••
A thief broke into a house, tied up the woman and at knife point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her!’’
“You must really love your wife,’’the thief said.
“Not particularly, but she will be coming home shortly,’’ the man replied.
•••••••••••
Another burglar broke into a house when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Then, clear as a bell, he heard the voice again.
“Jesus is watching you.”
Startled, he shined his light around and saw a parrot in the corner of the room.
“Did you you say that?’’ he hissed at the parrot.
“Yes,’’ the parrot confessed. I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?
The parrot replied, “The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
•••••••••••

An Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman, and Irishman are captured by the Afghan Taliban and sentenced to death by firing squad.
Before being shot they are asked if they have any last requests:
The Welshman says, “Before I die, I would like to hear 1000 Welsh voices singing ‘Land of my Fathers.’”
The Irishman says, “Before I die, I would like to see 1000 Irish dancers performing ‘Riverdance.’’
The Scotsmen says, “Before I die, I would like to hear 1000 bagpipes playing ‘Scotland the Brave.’’’
The Englishman says, “For Gosh sake, please shoot me before him.’’
••••••••••
I was sitting in my backyard, wondering how the birds could make so much noise. Then it dawned on me, their talk is “cheep!”
••••••••••
Three politicians were in a heated discussion as to which one was the best liar. As the discussion was getting louder and louder the bartender suggested they have a liars contest. After agreeing to the rules the first says, “I have never told a lie,”