Difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist

Teacher: Johnny, please use the words letter carrier in a sentence.
Johnny: Yes, ma’am. My dad said that after seeing how many things my mom was bringing on vacation, he would rather letter carrier own luggage.”
Me: “I’ve just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens.”
Animal Welfare: “That’s terrible. Are they moving?”
Me: “I’m not sure, to be honest, “but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”
Son: Ahhh, school is such a bore!
Father: Listen, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked ten miles to school! When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he did his homework by fire-light!
Son: And when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States!
Wife: Honey, I saved $1 off on a loaf of bread!
Husband: That’s fantastic! How did you do that?
Wife: Well, I bought a 10lbs bag of birdseed.
Husband: But we don’t have any birds.
Wife: Yes I know but the birdseed came with 50 cents off dog food coupon that I used to buy dog food.
Husband: We don’t have any dogs either.
Wife: I know. But the dog food came with $1 off bread coupon!
Monica: Where did your mom go for her summer vacation?
Josh: Alaska.
Monica: Never mind, I’ll ask her myself.
Charles: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
Ray: Why?
Charles: To make up for his miserable summer.
Q: During the summer, when do you go at red and stop at green?
A: When you’re eating a slice of watermelon.
Judy: I’ve made such delicious plans for a June wedding, but my boyfriend keeps postponing things.
Jane: Like what?
Judy: The proposal!
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.
Sally: I don’t drink that awful stuff, it makes me nervous!
Mary: They have decaffeinated coffee, you know?
Sally: It’s not the caffeine that makes me nervous. It’s the price!
Doctor: You might be pregnant.
Sharon: What?! That can’t be, I use birth control pills!
Doctor: That’s not a hundred percent certain.
Sharon: Then what is?
Doctor: Abstinence.
Sharon: Would you give me a prescription for it?
I read somewhere that it takes a village to raise a child.
Where is this village and is there a number you can call?
Mother: Well, I’ll be darned! That’s our son out there, actually mowing the lawn! How in the world did you ever manage that?
Father: He wanted to borrow the car, and I told him I’d lost keys in the overgrown grass!
I accidentally sat on my phone.
Siri suggested several local gyms.
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes told some jokes and sang some funny songs.
When he finished he said, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
A community orchestra conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for being the only player in the orchestra who had not missed several rehearsals.
“It’s the least I could do, especially since I won’t be at the performance,” she responded.
Husband: I’ve got insomnia again.
Wife: What’s eating you tonight?
Husband: It’s that boss of mine! He keeps bugging me all day long! Then, when comes time to go to bed, I’m so full of “I should’ve said—!” that I can’t get any shut-eye!
Wife: What’s he got against you anyway?
Husband: He says I keep falling asleep on the job.
Q: What do you call the security guards outside the Samsung factory?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
Q: What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A: A seasoned veteran.
A new survey shows that 60% of men under the age of 30 don’t own a suit. It also shows that those of us over 30 that have a suit don’t know if it still fits.