Don’t argue with an idiot
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies, “Get out. You’re on my side.”
Wife yelled from the bedroom: “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
Her: “What about now?”
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.
I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there’s really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I’ve gotta ask…
How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?
What do you call a date with Batman?
A Masked Mandate.
I found a way to make a horse stand still.
I place a bet!
A woman met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted.
She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdale’s.
“Bloomingdale’s!” the pastor said. “Why Bloomingdale’s?”
“That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week.”
Don’t argue with an idiot.
People watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
Sad news, my obese parrot died today.
Mind you, it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
Dog Owner: “Don’t be afraid of the dog. You know the old proverb, ‘A barking dog never bites.'”
Me: “You know the proverb. I know the proverb. But does your dog know the proverb?”
The undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”
“Ninety eight,” she replied, “two years older than me.”
“So you’re 96?” the undertaker commented.
She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”
Two friends, one a pessimist, were hunting with a retriever when a flock of ducks flew by.
They fired and a duck fell. The dog jumped into the water, but instead sinking it walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The pessimist saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded his friend. “He can’t swim.”
Why do archaeologists get all the girls?
Because they have the best dating techniques.
As I get older I realized I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.
I tried to sue a company that sold an expensive camera that wouldn’t focus.
There was no resolution.
A real estate agent was showing a woman through a beautiful room at the top of a large hotel.
“Now in this wing we have the master bedroom, bath, and den.”
The woman interrupted suspiciously, “And den what?”
It’s strange to think 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has a car and only the rich own horses.
Why does the milk stool only have 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
More silly stuff to ponder…
• Did Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
• What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
• What’s another word for synonym?
• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
> When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
> Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
> Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
> Why do they report power outages on TV?
> What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
> endangered plant?
Sheriff: Miss Morgendorfer, I thought I told you that I didn’t want to see your face in my station again?
Miss Morgandoffer: Well, that’s what I told the officer who arrested me, but she didn’t want to listen, so here I am.