Have a nice day

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery…
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.”
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun. He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
••••••••••
“Yes, Theo, what is it?” asked the teacher.
“I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don’t get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble.”
••••••••••
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”
“Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer. “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?
••••••••••
As I walked into work my boss greeted me with, “Have a nice day.”
I did. I turned around and went home.
••••••••••
What do you call a boat full of buddies?
A friend-ship.
••••••••••
My sister told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
So we went in a bar, had a few beers. It turns out he was a web designer.
••••••••••
Fred: I’ve invented a truck that runs on water.
Ed: Why does it have such huge balloon tires?
Fred: So it can run on water.
••••••••••
• The tiles A, E, I, O and U were discovered today in a dead scrabble players stomach. Vowel play is suspected.
• The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body. Then I was born.
••••••••••
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 42, and 55 came up. Then she just fainted!”
••••••••••
When the gambler wakes up from dreaming about a huge glowing number 5 made of gold and diamonds, he knows it’s an omen.
He grabs a racing form and looks up that day’s fifth race. Sure enough, the number 5 horse in the fifth race is Fifth Element. So for the rest of the day he does everything in fives: He eats five bowls of cereal for breakfast, goes for a five-mile run, takes a five minute shower, and wears the fifth jacket he finds in his closet.
At the racetrack, he buys five programs, bets $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race, and sits in the fifth seat of the fifth row of the bleachers in section five.
And when the gun goes off, he settles in and watches his horse come in fifth.
••••••••••
“Greg, do you think I’m a bad father?”
“My name is Andrew,” replied the son.
••••••••••

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