How was Rome split in two

Just to see what would happen, a father loaded his pessimist son’s room with every imaginable toy and game and his optimist son’s room with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” he answered.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
“There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere,” he answered.
• Why does the sea roar? You’d roar too if you had crabs on your bottom.
• Why couldn’t the steam train sit down? It had a tender behind.
• I just received in the mail a book on the history of clocks which I ordered three months ago. It’s about time
• When is a pie in the oven like a poet? When it’s Browning.
A boy went into a hardware shop and said my dad wants a piece of 4×2. The salesman said how long does he want it?
The boy said, “Uummmmm, I think he wants to keep it.
A man went into a bank to make a withdrawl.
The cashier asked if he could identify himself?
He pulled a mirror out of his pocket, looked into it and said, “yes, it’s definitely me.”
One night a husband and wife were sleeping and suddenly the wife woke up.
“Honey, wake up! I think there’s a burglar downstairs, and it sounds like they’re eating the cake I made!” said the wife.
Half asleep, the husband answers, “So should I call the police or the ambulance?”
Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.
George Washington was such a great president.
He never blamed any of the country’s problems on the previous administration.
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
“That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use write computer code.”
Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
“That one costs 2,000 dollars.”
“And what does that one do?” the man asked.
The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”
Mom: “Well, what did you learn today?”
Child: “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”
I was raised as an only child.
That got on my brother’s nerves.
Sally: “I’m thinking of starting an OCD support group at my house.”
Rhonda: “Really? I didn’t know you had an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.”
Sally: “I don’t , I just want to get my house cleaned.”
Deputy: “License and registration, please.”
Lawyer: What for?’
Deputy: “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’’
Lawyer: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.’’
Deputy: “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.’’
Lawyer: “What’s the difference?”
Deputy: “The difference is you must come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please.’’
Lawyer: “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’’
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts uising it on the lawyer.
Deputy: “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?’’
• Velcro – what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
• How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.