I take my wife everywhere

“Dad, sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will.”
Well, she didn’t put it quite like that. What she actually said was, “Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he is an Auburn fan.”
Husband to wife: “Maybe I wouldn’t have such a bad temper if you’d make up your mind once in awhile.
Trainer: “Jab him and get away or he’ll use his right. Don’t let him get set up to use his right.”
Fighter: “Suppose he does get his right going and hits me clean. What do I do?”
Trainer: “Just relax and the referee and I will carry you to your corner.”
Patrons at the zoo were astonished to see an old man jump over the bars of the lion’s cage. “What in the world is he doing?” shouted one.
“Don’t worry about him,” replied the man’s son. “That’s just my dad. He likes to read between the lions.”
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.
The crew’s foreman calls the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor says, “Don’t worry, we’ll send some shovels… just lean on each other until they arrive.”
• What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
• What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
• What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
• What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.
• What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
• What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
• What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
• What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
• What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
• What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
• What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
• Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
• Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
• Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They’re trying to get away from the noise.
• Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
• What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help … after it bites your leg off.
• What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They’re hiring.
• What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
• Why don’t canibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
• You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered  that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong. If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second.
• Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu? Of course  not. Her name is Mary.
Q:What do you call a funny mountain?
A: Hill-arious.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What do you call a factory that manufactures products that are just OK?
A: A satisfactory.
Q: What do you call a bagel that can fly?
A: A plain bagel.
Q: What do you call a banker with a briefcase in a tree?
A: Branch manager.
Q: What do you call someone who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
A: A mer-maid.
Q: What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A: A URL-ologist.
• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.