My wife packed my bags and told me to leave
My friend recently got divorced from his wife. They decided to split the house.
He got the outside.
A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student: “I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn’t even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?”
“Shhh! I am checking my answers,” the student replies.
“Are you making any New Year’s Resolutions?” my friend asked.
“Yes. I’ve resolved to stop playing so much polo,” I remarked.
“Since when have you been playing polo?”
“Never. But I figured that is one resolution I could keep!”
My wife packed my bags and told me to leave.
As I was headed out the door, she said, “I hope you live a long and lonely life!”
I replied, “So now you want me to stay?”
Pickpocket visiting friend in jail: “I hired a lawyer for you this morning, Slim, but I had to hand him my Rolex as a retainer.”
Slim: “Did he keep it?”
Pickpocket: “He thinks he did.”
Tried to read the dictionary in bed last night. Didn’t finish it. Got up to ‘P’.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo. After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn’t there.
Father: Your mother tells me your first prom dance is coming up!
Son: Yes, but I don’t think I’m going. What if I ask a girl and she says no?
Father: Son, never fear rejection. Just keep asking until some nice young lady accepts your invitation.
Son: Did you go to your first prom dance?
Father: I sure did and I never let rejection hold me back!
Son: Does this mean the first girl you asked said no?
Father: Yes. In fact, many said no but I didn’t give up.
Son: Did you have fun?
Father: I sure did! And if you don’t believe me, ask your Aunt Suzy, we had a ball.
Father: “Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!”
Son: “Aw, Dad, it’s probably okay. The police car right behind us just did the same thing.”
Mother: “Whats the problem Johnny?”
Johnny: “Oh, daddy was hanging a picture and he dropped it on his toe.’’
Mother: “Why, that’s nothing to cry about. You should be laughing at that.’’
Johnny: “I did.”
Doctor: “Trouble with your throat, eh… ever gargle with salt water?”
Patient: “Yes. I nearly drowned while swimming last summer.”
A penguin walks into a bar. He goes to the counter and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
Bartender replies, “I don’t know, what does he look like?”
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote “Revelation 3:20: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned with this message: “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.”
Fred collected money from mowing lawns and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
“You should give that money to charity,” said the sales girl.
“I’ll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity,” he replied.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
Now that my wife lived during a plague, she understands why most Renaissance paintings are of chubby woman laying around without a bra.
“Where did the car hit him?” the lawyer asks the medical expert. “At the junction of the dorsal and cervical vertebrae,” replied the expert.
“I’ve lived in these parts for over fifty years,” protested the jury foreman, “and I have never heard of that intersection!”