Signs That You Are Too Drunk

“Grandpa, why don’t you have any life insurance?”
“So you can all be really sad when I die.”
Two beefy men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.
As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.
The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.
I really had no choice but to pay them.
As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.
I told them my fee was $45.
By Replacing your morning coffee with green tea you can lose what little joy you still have left in this life.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up. I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
The cost of Halloween Candy is up 13.1% since last year, and to make matters worse, they’re giving us less in every package.
For example, Good ‘n Plenty is now Not Bad ‘N A Couple. The $100,000 Bar is now the $27 Bite. Then, of course, there’s the new 2 Musketeers bar.
• Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
• “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. “I Do,” is the longest sentence.
• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Customer in a waterfront restaurant: “Waiter, these are very small oysters!”
Waiter: “Yes sir, they are very small.”
Customer: “Also, they do not appear to be very fresh!”
Waiter with a resourceful response: “Then it’s lucky they’re small, ain’t it sir?”
The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade for the the portrait of his brother he submitted for a class assignment was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.
“The head is too big,” the professor explained. “The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous.”
The next day, the art student brought his brother to see the professor. He took one look and said, “Okay, A minus.”
My cousin was having a terrible time falling asleep unless he was lying on a pile of old magazines.
It turns out he had back issues.
Being a little older now, I am very glad to have someone call to check in on me every day. He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.
A man was killed by a shark while on his honeymoon in Australia.
Reports say he didn’t suffer too long, as he was only married three days.
Signs That You Are Too Drunk……
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after biting you.

• Your idea of cutting back is less salt in your margarita.
Woman at the bar: “What do you and I have in common?”
Me: “They’re both vowels.’’
Soldier: “Captain, if we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?”
Captain: “Normal procedure, soldier. Jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”
American tourist: “What’s the quickest way to Marystown?”
Newfoundland local: “Are ya walkin’ er drivin’?”
American Tourist: ”I’m driving.” Newfoundland local: “Well, that’s the quickest way.”
Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.
“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”
“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”

From now on I’m going to write all jokes in capitals. This one was written in London!

I once had an invisible calendar. Now that’s something you don’t see every day.