A man comes home after a hard day’s work
A man comes home after a hard day’s work
Note: This obit was re-posted on Next Door by Ryland Murden.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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“What’s wrong, Doctor? You look puzzled.”
“I can’t figure out exactly what’s wrong with you. I think it’s the result of heavy drinking.”
“Well then, I’ll just come back when you’re sober.”
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Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you are ready for the reaper cushions!
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Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.
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When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.
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Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?
Patient: No, just spots.
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A trio of old veterans were bragging and joking about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. A trio of old veterans were bragging and joking about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
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“My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”
“Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”
“I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”
“Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know.
“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old”
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A father is washing his car with his son when the tired boy turns to his dad and says, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge like everyone else?”
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A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear.
She says, “Doctor, can you help me? I don’t feel well, and I cannot figure out what’s wrong.”
The doctor replies; “Well, you are clearly not eating properly.”
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Jerry was sitting down for breakfast one morning when he was astonished to see in the paper an announcment of his own death.
He called his friend at once, “Jim, have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?”
Jim replied, “Yes, and exactly where are you calling from?”
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A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.
“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.”
“What about your wife?” the friend asked. “What did you buy her?”
“A new lawn mower,” the golfer said.
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A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap.
“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.
The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?”
“Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is.”
“Well then,” the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”