Dear IRS: I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.
“Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!”
“Don’t worry, sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer.
“The plane won’t carry six deer, you’ll have to leave two of them,” said the pilot, trying to be friendly.
Unwilling to leave their dead deer, the hunters said “We got six on the plane last year.”
The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, “Any idea where we are?”
The second hunter said, “Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year.”
Him: “Your little brother just saw me kiss you. What can I give him to keep him from telling your parents?
Her: “He generally gets 5 dollars.”
A grasshopper walked into a bar, The bartender said, “Hey we have a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper said, “You have a drink named Larry?’’
I decided to stop calling the bathroom John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it!
Grandson: “Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?”
Grandpa: “No champ, I never did.”
Grandson: “That’s a good thing.”
Grandpa: “You’re telling me. I was the cook!”
Doctor: “I am sorry, but I forgot a pair of scissors inside you. I need to go back in.”
Patient: “Oh don’t bother doctor! If it is because of that, just tell me how much it cost and I will pay you back.”
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
– Albert Einstein
Friend: I’m selling a keyboard for $5.
Me: Why so cheap?
Friend: A spider crawled into it.
Me: Wow. Did you get rid of it?
Friend: No, but it’s under Copntrol.
Zack: “Tom, haven’t you ever met a girl you care for?”
Tom: “Oh yes, just last week I met a girl and fell in love at first sight.”
Zack: “What happened? Why didn’t you get married?”
Tom: “I took a second look.”
• Support bacteria- they’re the only culture some people have.
• An archaeologist. Someone whose career lies in ruins.
• I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bi- satchel.
• A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick. He said “Uno, dos’’ and then disappeared without a tres.
• I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
• What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
• I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
• What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
• I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
Henny Youngman is famous for his mastery of the one-liner, with his best known one-liner undoubtedly being “Take my wife… please.” Below are a few more of his more memoragle one-liners.
• My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!
• The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
• A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
• I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
• Some people ask the secret of my long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.