I just want to be happy

My wife told me I was incapable of multitasking.
So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time.
As one parishioner left the church, he said: “Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God.”
The pastor was thrilled: “Really? Tell me why.”
“Because it endured forever.”

Dad: “Son, I named you after my father.”
After My Father: “I know, Dad, I know.”
My wife has been missing a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
I visited my new friend in his apartment.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out, I hate visitors.
I bought an alarm clock yesterday but I took it back today and asked for a refund, I said to the assistant, “It’s not working properly, I set the alarm for 7:30am but it went off at 4:30am.”
“I’d like to give you a refund sir, but it’s smashed into pieces. How do you explain the damage?” he asked.
I said, “I just told you, it’s not working properly and it went off at 4:30am.”
Do you enjoy yelling “What?” from the other room?
Then marriage might be for you.
Billy: I asked my dog three questions and he got two of them right.
Trevor: What three questions?
Billy: I asked what covers a tree and he said bark. I asked him what the texture of bark is and he said ruff. I then asked him if he knew what the winning lottery numbers are next Saturday night?
Trevor: He missed the lottery number question right?
Billy: I don’t know, I’ll tell you on Sunday.
Yesterday, I was in the kitchen planning dinner, and noticed that the clock had stopped. That really put me behind for my day, so today I decided that I’d better stop at the store for a AA battery.
I found a clerk, and said “Please point me to where the batteries are, I need one in my kitchen.”
The clerk asked, “Is it for a clock?”
I said, “I don’t know, that’s why I need a battery.”
The young man comes running into the store and says to his buddy, “Tommy, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’
Tommy reacts, “Did you see who it was?”
The young man answers, “No, I couldn’t tell. But I did get his license plate number!”
Dick: Great News! Teacher said we would have a test rain or shine.
Jane: What’s so great about that?
Dick: It’s snowing.
A genie granted me one wish, so I said, “I just want to be happy.”
Now I’m living in a cottage with six dwarves and working in a mine.
Before 2020 we were pretty wild. Remember how we all used to eat cake after someone had blown on it.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, raise your head slowly and say, “In Jesus Name Amen.”
Doc: “Relax David. It’s just a small surgery. Don’t panic.’’
Me: “My name’s not David.”
Doc: “I know. I’m David.’’
Me: “How often do planes crash?”
Airline Pilot: “Just once.”
• Tip of the Day: Blow on the wine in your cup to convince everyone else in the Zoom meeting it is tea.
• Cooking Tip: If you stir coconut oil into your kale it makes it less likely to stick when you scrape it into the trash can.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a frieght train.
The train conducter sees three idiots standing on the tracks.
• Atheism must be a non-profit organization.
• What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
• A Central European trampoline team have just gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.
• Someone told me that half of the car accidents happen within a mile of your home. So I moved.