Only dead fish go with the flow
• Life without music would B Flat.
• The four seasons are all different. Summer warmer than others.
• A book hit my head and I’ve only my shelf to blame.
• Only dead fish go with the flow.
• Huge fight at local seafood dive: Battered fish everywhere.
• Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.
• I made a huge to-do list today. I just can’t figure out who is going to do it.
• Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
• Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.
• Lif is too short.
• My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.
• After my friend turned vegan, it was like I’d never seen herbivore.
• If you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
• The four seasons ae all different. Summer warmer than ot hers.
• Looking back, I really hurt my neck.
• Do people in Australia refer to the rest of the world as Up Over?
• I don’t have a fit-bit. But I have several fat-bits.
• She only made whiskey, but I loved her still.
• Terrible summer for humpty-dumty. But he had a great fall.
• Life and beer are similar. Chill for best results.
• Resolutions: In one year and out the other.
What do you call a receipt for the transfer of a wind-powered boat? Either a bill-of-sail or a sails-receipt.
I think the whole “Autumn-is-in-the-air” theme has gone too far. Today I went to Jiffy Lube and they offered me a “Cinnamon Spice” oil change.
The police recently arrested a man selling secret formula tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.
After being locked in an impenetrable strongroom, a panicked Dr. Watson cries, “How are we to escape, Holmes?”
Calmly, the sleuth produces a small knife and a lemon, which he carefully cuts into small pieces. He then sticks the pieces of lemon on the wall in the shape of a door, and with a push creates a doorway.
An astonished Watson asks, “How on earth did you do that, Holmes?”
“Lemon-entry my dear Watson, Lemon-entry!”
First man: “I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.”
Second man: “I thought they just hired a new teller last week.”
First man: “Right, that’s the one they’re looking for.”
When the field technician gets to a customer site to fix an old, large line printer for a frugal client, he knows there’s going to be a problem.
” I determined the problem was with a very expensive part,” he says.
“That’s too much,” says the client. Find something else wrong with the printer.”
“Well, I reckon you’ve been a pretty good horse,” said the farmer. “You work hard and I ain’t had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster.”
“No!” said the horse, “I said ‘feedbag’ not ‘feedback’.”
My cousin Jimmy was having a terrible time falling asleep unless he was lying on a pile of old magazines.
It turns out he had back issues.
A visitor to the North Pole during a grand tour of the place asked Santa, “Why doesn’t this reindeer have any antlers?”
“Some reindeer get their antlers late, some reindeer have their antlers broken off in a fight and some reindeer never grow any antlers at all,” Santa answered.
“What happened to this one?” asked the visitor.
“He was born a horse,” Santa replied.
A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend. He asks the proprietor, “You know the expression, ‘You should say it with flowers’?”
“How about three dozen of my finest roses?” the florist asks.
“Make it a half dozen roses,” the man answers. “I’m a man of few words.”
• My neighbor shaves 15-20 times a day. He’s not crazy. He’s a barber.
• Exercise works best first thing in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing.”