Relationships are a lot like algebra

“Rob,” said the boss, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”
“Thanks,” said the employee.
“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”
The employee said, “Thanks, Dad.”
A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”
“When did these start?”
“Next Thursday.”
A lady walked into a newspaper office to have an obituary appear in the paper.
The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, “Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M.”
The employee looked at the form and said, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece.
The woman took another form and wrote, “Earl died. ’57 Chevy truck for sale.”
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
I’ve tried telling a few jokes about the unemployed but they don’t work.
What is a honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone without any dressing.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. You look at your X and wonder Y?
Why did the cat want to join the Red Cross?
He wanted to be a first aid kit!
The trial went on for 4 weeks with testimony by both sides. Finally, the jury retired to determine the verdict.
After 2 days the jury had reached a decision to acquit the prisoner.
Judge: “What possible reason could you have for acquitting the prisoner?”
Foreman: “Insanity, sir.”
Judge: “What, all twelve of you?”

My favorite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather. That was before my mother took the urn from me.
Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let’s go ride bikes!
A cinema actor, suing for a breach of contract, described himself as the greatest actor in the world.
One of his friends took him to task for so loudly singing his own praises.
“I know,” replied the actor, “it must have sounded somewhat conceited, but, remember, I was under oath.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I found a vinyl record called “Sounds of the Wasps.”
When I played it, I said to myself, “This doesn’t sound like wasps.”
I was right. I was playing the B-side.
If I’m counting right, it’s been ‘one of those days’ for three years now.
A rookie was pitching his first game walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game.
The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, “Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!”
• A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
• I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
• Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
• How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
• I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
• I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
• Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Time will tell.
• Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and order drinks.
The bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.