Why did the chicken join the gym?
My girlfriend is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.
Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.
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A man walks into a posh restaurant and orders his meal. While he takes the first bite and is looking around, a monkey swings down and steals his plate from him before he is able to stop it.
The man asks the waiter, “Excuse me sir, who owns the monkey?”
The waiter replies, “It belongs to the piano player.”
The man walks over to the piano player and says, “Do you know your monkey stole my food?”
The pianist responds, “No, but if you hum it, I’ll play it.”
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A sweater I bought was picking up too much static electricity.
So I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
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I lost three fingers on my right hand, so l asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
The doctor said, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
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What is the difference between dogs and marine biologists?
One wags a tail, and the other tags a whale.
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Judge: “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”
Witness: “I do.”
Judge: “Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
Witness: “Sure. “My side will win.”
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Why did the chicken join the gym? To work on his pecks!
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I’m currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford. It’s an autobiography.
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Judy: Billy got fresh with me last night, so I slapped his face. But I was sorry just as soon as I did it.
Trudy: Because you care about him?
Judy: No, because he was chewing tobacco.
••••••••••
What’s the best present you can gift?
A broken drum.
Nobody can beat that.
••••••••••
I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush.
I was disappointed.
There was no plaque.
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My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark.
It’s becoming a night mare.
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I bought a dog off a blacksmith. As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
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Medical School Professor: “Today I will be lecturing about the kidneys, intestines, pancreas, and the liver.”
Student: “Great, we have to sit through another organ recital.”
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I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver’s license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.
I replied, “I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?”
She said, “Why didn’t you get a haircut before your came here?”
I replied, “I didn’t need one bemfranfore I got here!”
••••••••••
After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney emailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”
The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately!”
••••••••••
“I have the most unusual act,” a man announces to the circus impresario. “I’m sure it will amaze you.”
He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows and the man begins to fly. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.
The impresario says, “Is that all you’ve got? Bird impressions?”
••••••••••
Real Estate Agent: “This house has both good and bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.”
Client: “What are the advantages?”
Agent: “You can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”
••••••••••
Me: “Nice dog.”
Him: “Thanks, I got it for the wife.”
Me: “Nice trade.”
••••••••••
I went to a restaurant. It was full and the wait was over thirty minutes.
I placed my phone to my ear, and said loudly, “Hey, get over here! She’s here with someone else!”
Six couples got up and quickly left.