You can’t spell gravity without gravy
I never use turn signals. It’s nobody’s business where I am going.
I always wanted to lay naked on a bearskin rug in front of a fire place. But evidently, Cracker Barrell has a policy against this.
“Who is this moderation we are supposed to be living with?”
I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a memory like an Etch-A-Sketch. I shake my head and forget everything.
The Terminator movie, the Kennedy family and an Anabolic Steroid walked into a bar.
They were arguing loudly. The bartender said: “Keep it down. What you are arguing about?”
“We can’t agree which one of us made Arnold Schwarzenegger big.”
You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
From now on I’m going to write all jokes in capitals. This one was written in London!
I once had an invisible calendar. Now that’s something you don’t see every day.
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good, either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.
“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”
“I know,” said his physician, “I can cure pneumonia.”
One inmate said to the other inmate, “When I was governor, the food was much better!”
An actor had been out of work for years because he always forgot his lines. One day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for an important part in a play. All the actor had to say was, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar!”
Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!” The time for the entrance finally came. As the actor made his appearance onstage, he heard a loud BOOOOM! He turned around and said, “What the heck was that?”
Did you hear about the man that was arrested at the board game shop?
Apparently he walked in and said he was looking for trouble.
My girlfriend isn’t the brightest bulb. One day when she was being particularly dimwitted, I said in frustration, “What’s your IQ anyway?!”
She shot back defiantly, “20/20!”
Therapist: “I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?”
Me: “Can’t say I do.”
Therapist: “That’s one of them!”
You can’t spell gravity without gravy. And you can’t spill gravy without gravity!
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got behind in his work.
Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.
They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.
Teacher: “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Johnny: “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a alculator.
At a morning press conference, police said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-gebra is a problem for us,” the commissioner said. “They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘ unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator with coordinates everywhere.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Biden said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”