Take A Lesson From The Weather
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• Someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age – it doesn’t last long.”
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
Interviewer: “I must say, your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
Me: “Yes,” says the man.
Interviewer: “There’s not much positive in that.”
Me: “Hey. At least I’m not a quitter.”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Candidate: The bus mostly.
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus!
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill. So the doctor gave him another six months.
Why isn’t holy water used in vaccines?
Because you can’t take the lord’s name in vein.
I went to the Doctor for my annual check up.
He told me that I have insomnia.
But I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“No,” she answered. “That’s why I’m crying.”
A guy runs into a bar and just starts jogging in circles around the interior with his eyes shut.
“That’s Bob, and I think he’s sleep walking. Heck, he’s sleep running!” the waitress exclaims to the bartender.
“He sure is fast asleep,” the bartender replied.
Mr. Jones: My new loaded SUV isn’t worth a hill of beans.
Mr. Smith: What are you talking about?
Mr. Jones: Food prices.
How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who wants to know?!?!
It was my wedding day, and no one was happier than my 78-year-old mother.
But as she approached the church doors, an usher asked, “Which side are you on?”
“Oh, no,” she said. “Are they fighting already?”
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I am 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
A man called his mother in Florida ,
“Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother..
“I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible.
Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit…
• Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
• Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
• Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is — as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
• Even Southern babies know that “gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
• All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
• Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.”