Take A Lesson From The Weather

• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• Someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age – it doesn’t last long.”
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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
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Interviewer: “I must say, your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
Me: “Yes,” says the man.
Interviewer: “There’s not much positive in that.”
Me: “Hey. At least I’m not a quitter.”
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Interviewer: What drives you?
Candidate: The bus mostly.
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus!
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The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill. So the doctor gave him another six months.
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Why isn’t holy water used in vaccines?
Because you can’t take the lord’s name in vein.
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I went to the Doctor for my annual check up.
He told me that I have insomnia.
But I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”
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A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
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At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“No,” she answered. “That’s why I’m crying.”
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A guy runs into a bar and just starts jogging in circles around the interior with his eyes shut.
“That’s Bob, and I think he’s sleep walking. Heck, he’s sleep running!” the waitress exclaims to the bartender.
“He sure is fast asleep,” the bartender replied.
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Mr. Jones: My new loaded SUV isn’t worth a hill of beans.
Mr. Smith: What are you talking about?
Mr. Jones: Food prices.
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How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who wants to know?!?!
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It was my wedding day, and no one was happier than my 78-year-old mother.
But as she approached the church doors, an usher asked, “Which side are you on?”
“Oh, no,” she said. “Are they fighting already?”
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Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I am 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
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Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
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A man called his mother in Florida ,
“Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother..
“I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible.
Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”
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Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit…
• Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
• Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
• Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is — as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
• Even Southern babies know that “gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
• All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
• Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.”