One winter morning while listening to the radio, a couple hears the announcer say, “We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park…..”, then the electricity goes out. Norman’s wife says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.”
Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
Top 10 puns of the week…
1. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
2. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
3. Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
4. I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
5. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
6. Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.
7. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
8. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
9. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
10. If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies, “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “There are no fish under the ice.” Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, ly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “There are no fish under the ice.”
She stopped, looked skyward and said, “Is that you Lord?”
The voice replied, “No … this is the Ice-Rink Manager.”
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.”
The man thought for a minute and said, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean.”
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?”
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how do you start a flood?”