On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whisky!”
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, “And get me another whisky!”
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such treatment, the man tries the parrots approach, “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it now!”
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician!”
This sailor fell off the crows nest on a sailing ship and fell trough the first deck and the second deck of the ship.
The captain went up to the sailor and asked if he was all right.
“I am all right,” said the sailor. “I have been through hardships before.”
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee, and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior, a 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green, and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme,” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother,” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself. And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws.”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… “You missed the !@#$%& putt, didn’t you?”
• If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
• First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my friend couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents.”
“Well, sir,” the attendant replied, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”
Wife: “I lost my keys again.”
Husband: “It’s in your jeans.”
Wife: “Don’t drag my family into this!”