Frosty the snowman was spotted looking through the carrot bin at the local supermarket…
He was picking his nose.
Alfie had been listening to his sister practicing her singing. “Sis,” he said, “I wish you’d sing Christmas Carols.”
“That’s nice of you, Alfie,” she said. “Why?”
“Then I’d only have to hear you once a year!”
A psychotherapist returned from a conference in the Rocky mountains, where the delegates spent more time on the icy ski slopes than attending lectures and seminars.
When she got back, her husband asked her, “So, how did it go?”
“Fine,” she replied, “but I’ve never seen so many Freudians slip.”
“Now that looks like a happily married couple,” remarked the husband.
“Don’t be too sure, dear,” began the wife. “They’re probably saying the same thing about us.”
Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
Q: Why is there only one Yogi Bear?
A: Because the second one was a Boo-Boo.
A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded. While narrating the results to his friends, he told them, “The turkey I bred had six legs!”
His friends, who had gotten quite excited, eagerly asked, “What about the taste?”
The farmer said with a long-drawn face, “I have no idea. Can’t catch it.”
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.
“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.
“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”
“What about the other ear?” the doctor asked.
She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”
At a meeting, the corporate manager told a joke. Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.
The manager asked him, “Didn’t you understand my joke?”
The guy replied, “Oh I understood it, but I resigned yesterday.”
A husband and wife were at the mall when they got separated. The wife calls him on her cell phone. “Where are you?” she asks.
“Well, do you remember the store when we were first married and you were looking at a beautiful ring in the jewelry store window, but we could not afford it?”
“Yes”, she replies, excited to think about what he was about to say, a tear forming in her eyes.
“Great, I am at the sports bar right next to it.”
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, I can’t serve you here unless you are wearing a tie.”
The man says, “Okay, I’ll be right back,” and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie.
All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, “How’s this?”
The bartender replies, “Well, okay, but don’t start anything.”
Al: When was your son born?
Sam: In March, he came the first of the month.
Al: Is that why you named him “Bill”?
Question: Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick?
Answer: The pharmacist.
Called to the scene of a magnificent celestial display, the professor watched as a bright object dashed through the skies over New Mexico.
Reporters asked him if what he had seen was really a UFO.
The scientist replied, “No comet.”
An Irishman proposed to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
On learning it wasn’t real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham-rock.
A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.
The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.
He queries the first candidate: “What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? “I made $150,000 as an Attorney” comes the reply.
“You may enter” says the Angel.
Second candidate, same question. “I made $95,000, I was a realtor.” He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man’s turn.
“My annual salary was $8,000.”
“Cool!” replies the Angel, “and what instrument did you play?”
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”