Keep Off The Grass

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It’s $290.00.
Patient: $290 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like?
Son to dad: “Dad, why don’t you buy me a car?”
Dad: “My dear son, God gave you two legs for what purpose?”
Son: “One leg is for the brake and the other for the accelerator.”
An accountant is in a car traveling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large group of sheep and the farmer says, “You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, “One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two.”
The farmer is amazed. “Exactly right,” he says. “How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant, “I counted the number of feet and divided by four.”
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
”What happened to her?’
The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”
The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied, “Get in line.”
Alex to his friend Francis: “Yesterday was my wife’s birthday, and I asked her, ‘What gift would you like to have?’”
Francis : “What did she say?”
Alex: “She said, ‘Give me anything which has diamonds in it.’”
Francis: “So what did you give her?”
Alex: “A deck of playing cards.”
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
An elderly man went to his friend’s house to have a little chitchat. Then, he told his friend, “I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.”
His friend then asked, “So what’s the name of the other leg?”
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
These great questions and answers are from the days when Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions during the Hollywood Squares’ game…
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.