“Doctor, doctor! The man you’ve just pronounced is in perfect health collapsed on the front step! What should I do?”
vDoctor’s Lawyer: “Turn him around, so it looks like he was just arriving!”
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy’s photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
“Yes,” she replied. “Please tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”
– Never read the fine print. There ain’t no way you’re going to like it.
– If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
– Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with still hot tattoos?
– Drinking makes some wives’ see double and feel single.
– Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
– Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
– A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
– Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
– Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”
– I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
– A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.’’
– A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
– The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
– The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
– A backward poet writes inverse.
– In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
– When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
– Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They never expect it back!
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Mom: Son, you’re good in math. Now I’m going to ask you a question.
Son: Okay, mom.
Mom: Your dad gives you 3 apples. Then I give you 4 apples. What’s your answer?
Son: Thank you very much?!?!?
Sitting in the bar George asks his 40-year-old friend John, “How come you aren’t married?”
John replies, “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”
“So what are you looking for?”
“Oh, she’s got to be real pretty, a good cook, and house keeper. She’s got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality, and money. She’s got to have money. And a nice big house wouldn’t hurt either.”
“A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!” says George.
“Oh, it’s okay, if she is crazy.”
Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”
Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”
Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”
Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”
“Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?
“No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza.”
“Did I dial the wrong number?”
“No sir, Google bought the pizza store.”
“Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please.”
“Okay sir, do you want the usual?”
“The usual? You know what my usual is?”
“According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.”
“Okay, that’s what I want this time too.”
“May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?”
“No, I hate vegetables.”
“But your cholesterol is not good.”
“How do you know?”
“Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”
“You know what, I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!”
“I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport. It expired 5 weeks ago.”
• Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
• They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
• When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.