What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”
Two guys find three grenades and they decide to take them to the police station.
One asks, “What if one explodes before we get there?”
The other replies, “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
Suppose a sudden storm springs up on your starboard side. What would you do,” asks the old salt of a sea captain, testing his new recruit.
“Throw out an anchor, sir,” says the new sailor.
“And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“Throw out another anchor, sir,” the raw recruit replies.
“Now,” says the captain, “a storm springs up forward of the ship. What would you do this time?”
“Throw out another anchor, Captain.”
“Hold on, hold on. Where are you getting all these anchors from?”
“From the same place you’re getting your storms, sir,” replied the new recruit.
While visiting a water show a tourist asked one of the divers, “Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?
“If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat,” he replied.
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”
“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”
“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”
“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
An Irishman proposed to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
On learning it wasn’t real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham-rock.
Q: What is a soprano’s favorite drink growing up?
Father: What you want to be in your life?
Son: A Doctor.
Father: What skills do you have of a doctor?
Son: Horrible handwriting.
“I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day.”
“That is cool! What did she say?”
“We will get back to you soon.”
A lady in the pet shop ask about buying a gold fish.
The salesperson ask if she needed an aquarium.
Her reply was, “I don’t care what sign it is.”
A woman walked into a library and wondered whether they had any books about paranoia.
The librarian replied, “They’re right behind you.”
My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.
“Oh,” said My Dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”
“How come?” I asked.
“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”
My family was playing a trivia board game one night. When it was my brother-in-law’s turn, he rolled the dice and landed on “Science & Nature.”
His question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
He thought for a moment and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.
Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her dad and said, “It was Mom.”
“How do you know?”
“She didn’t say anything