Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Cooking Tip: If you stir coconut oil into your kale when cooking, it makes it easier to scrape into the garbage can.
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I use an extra sensitive toothpaste. It doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
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Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan’s house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door, and said “He and the otter can work for you, but it will cost you $500.”
“But I just want Juan. I’ll hire him alone for $350,” the man countered.
“Sorry,” she shrugged. “You can’t have Juan without the otter.”
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I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.
He said he can’t complain.
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Why is the internet just as powerful an addiction as drugs or alcohol?
It is a terminal addiction.
A naked man runs into a tailor’s shop.
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A naked man runs into a tailor’s shop.
The tailor says, “You can’t be in here with no clothes on!”
The man says, “Come on mister, cut me some slacks?”
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A Greek man walks into a Greek tailor shop holding a pair of old tattered jeans.
The blind old tailor squints at him, “Euripedes?”
The man nods and holds up the pants, “Eumenedes?”
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’’
Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
One year Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 Years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you. But if you say talk, it’s fifty dollars.
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Morris replied, “Well, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
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Matt: “It’s times like this that I wish I’d listened to what my Dad always said.”
Jake: “What did he say?”
Matt: “I don’t know, I wasn’t listening.”
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Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune investing in apples?
Turns out he was in cider trading.
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If a Lama with one L is a holy man in Tibet.
And a Llama with two L’s is an adorable beast of burden.
What’s a three L Lama?
A big fire in Boston.
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Why can’t Satan’s cheerleading squad win any competitions? Because they have no chants in Hell.
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Drill surgeant after a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun: “All right, maggots, think about this,” bellowed the drill instructor. “If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?”
Voice fron back row: “My recruiter!”
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A customer in a department store is offered a discounted suit by a salesperson. “But the arms and legs don’t match,” he says. “One arm and one leg is shorter than the other.”
“That’s why it’s such a bargain,” the salesperson replies. “But don’t worry, if you just raise your left shoulder, bend your left knee and walk like this, no one will notice.”
The man then buys the suit; after putting in on in the changing room, he raises his left shoulder, bends his left knee, then proceeds to limp out of the store. As he walks down the street, two ladies notice him.
“Good Heavens,” the first lady says. “That poor man looks like he’s in a lot of pain!”
“Yes,” the second lady says. “But his suit certainly fits well.”
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Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”
Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

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A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
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Two nudists were discussing politics.
One says, “Have you read Marx?”
The other nods, “It’s these blasted wicker chairs.”
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What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
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6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
8.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies
like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

—
Barbara Ann Romines