Has anyone else’s gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the start of April and I’ve grown bigger ever since.
I came home from work this evening and said to my wife, “Are we having salad for dinner?”
“Yes we are, how did you know?” she asked.
I replied, “Because I can’t hear the smoke alarm.”
Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”
“Yes sir, I understand.”
“Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”
Wife: I’m mad
Husband: Again or still?
“You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.
“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor.
“What kind of pie do you call this?” one student indignantly asked the cafeteria cook.
“What’s it taste like?” asked the cook.
“Then it’s apple pie. The plum pie tastes like soap.”
His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles.
“So,” said the father, “you want to be my son-in-law, do you?”
“No, not particularly,” said Charles, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
Not sure how I did that. I didn’t even know it was her birthday!
A male crab met a female crab at a party and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can’t let him get away. So, they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset.
“What happened?” she asked. “You used to walk straight before we were married.”
“Oh, honey,” he replied, “I can’t drink that much every day.”
The quarantine made me feel 16 again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded!
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately. It means a lot to him.
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said, “Chopsticks are provided only on request.”
“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”
“True,” said the waiter, “but we’d have to hire two more people to sweep the floor.”
Young Maiden: “Yes, I’ve been asked many times to get married.”
Friend: “Really, who’s asked you?”
Young Maiden: “My mother and father.”
An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Richard, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Richard, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
The lawyer asks Richard again, “Richard, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”
“Yes,” says Richard, “I saw him do it.”
Then the lawyer asks Richard, “Richard listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”
Richard says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”
Cop: So, I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the carpool lane.
Criminal: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk!
Ever wonder why….
• The sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
• Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
• Banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• We buy hot dogs in packages