“You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.
“I have the solution for you,” replied the doctor.
“Really, what is it?”
“Well, try getting up half an hour later.”
Waking into the lingerie store, the hard-of-hearing customer says to the clerk, “I’d like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife.”
The clerk asks, “Sheer?”
And the man replies, “No, she is in another store.”
A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor’s office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be.
A man in the waiting room, who had been watching her, said in amazement, “My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?”
The old lady replied, “He gave me a longer cane.”
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. “What’ll be, boys?”
The first vampire says, “Blood. Give me blood.”
The second vampire says, “I too wish for blood!”
The third vampire says, “Give me plasma.”
The Bartender smiles and says, “Got it. Two bloods and one blood-light.”
I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter.
Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, “For the talent show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?”
Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, “What’s the difference?”
John: “Can you loan me a hundred dollars?”
Fred: “I don’t have that much on me.”
John: “Well, just give me what you have and you can owe me the rest.”
A weasel is dining at a Restaurant. He takes his seat and starts looking over the menu.
The waiter then asks, “What can I get you to drink, sir?”
“Oh, not much. Just a Diet Pop,” goes the weasel.
Customer: Waiter, Do you have any Wild Duck?
Waiter: No, but I can get a tame one and irritate it for you?
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
More silly stuff to ponder…
• Did Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
• What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
• What’s another word for synonym?
• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek…Do they automatically lose because they can’t find themselves?
A man was going bald and told his friends he was going to get a rabbit tattooed on his head as it was a lot cheaper than a toupée.
His friends asked how getting a rabbit tattooed on his head would help?
The man replied, “Well, at least from a distance it will look like hare.”
There were three men on a hill with their watches. The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.
The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it. The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.
The third man said, “Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow.”
How much does it cost a Pirate to get his ears pierced?
Daughter: My fiancé said I could have whatever I wanted inscribed on his wedding ring. What should I put?
Mother: Put what I put on your father’s wedding ring.
Daughter: What does it say. I’ve never seen daddy with it off.
Mother: Yes. It’s worked very well over the years. It says, “Put it back on!”