Marriage counseling southern style

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out.
He thought to himself, “Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.”
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. ‘Persevere’ came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
••••••••••
Doctor: Are you still taking the cough medicine I gave you?
Patient: No, I tasted it and decided I’d rather have the cough.
••••••••••
The teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.”
“Let me ask you,” the doctor said. “Do you have a thermometer?”
“No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.”
••••••••••
I told my friend that my wife and I had a huge argument and she left for the Caribbean.
“Jamaica?” he asked.
“No,” I replied, “she went of her own accord.”
••••••••••
Golfer: “I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
••••••••••
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
••••••••••
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”
••••••••••
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence.”
••••••••••
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “It’s very good – but personally, I prefer golf.”
••••••••••
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
••••••••••
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
••••••••••
Waiter!” shouted the furious diner. “How dare you serve me this! There’s a TWIG in my soup!”
“My apologies,” said the waiter. “I’ll inform the branch manager.”
••••••••••
Employer: “We need someone responsible for this job.”
Applicant: “Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.”
••••••••••
Jenny: “That’s a really cool tattoo. dude!”
Jimmy: “Thanks, I got it from my Doctor.”
Jenny: “Your doctor?”
Jimmy: “Yeah… he does this on the side to pay the bills and also holds a Ph.D. in Psychology.”
Jenny: “Great, so not only does he get into your head, but he also gets under your skin!”
••••••••••
These were sent in (by an obviously lonely fellow) as suggested lines to use while waiting in line to toss a fish at this month’s Mullet Toss…
• I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out.
..• I wish that I was crossed eyed, so I could see you twice.
• Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?
..• You smell like Fritos that’s why I’m giving you this hungry stare.
..• You’re absolutley perfect, don’t speak now- you might spoil it.
••••••••••
Marriage counseling southern style…
Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie, are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, “You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find.”
••••••••••
Don’t apologize for laughing…
• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
• A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
• Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
• A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
• Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
• An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
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