Child: “Mom, can I go out to play?”
Mom: “What? With those holes in your pants?”
Child: “No, with the kids next door.”
“Today,” said the professor, “I will be lecturing about the kidneys, intestines, pancreas, and the liver.”
“Great, we have to sit through another organ recital,’’ sighed one of his students.
Someone keeps dumping soil all over my garden bed, and I don’t know who’s doing it?
The plot thickens…
My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone
My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.
I think I might never put my glasses back on.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Census Taker: “How many children do you have?”
Census Taker: “May I have their names, please?”
Woman: “Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George.”
Census Taker: “Okay, that’s fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?”
Woman: “Because we didn’t want any Moe!”
I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver’s license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.
I replied, “I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?”
She said, “Why didn’t you get a haircut before your came here?”
I replied, “I didn’t need one before I got here!”
An elderly American couple went on vacation in Jurusalem when the wife passed away. The undertaker explained to the husband that, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can have her buried here for $150.”
The man thought about it and told him that he would just have his wife shipped home.
The undertaker was surprised. He asked the man, “Why would you spend $5,000 to have your wife shipped home when it would be wonderful for her to be buried here in the Holy land and you would spend only $150?”
The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can’t take that risk.”
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.
It’s called lunch.
A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, “Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do whatever I want?”
The father answered immediately, “I don’t know. Nobody has lived that long yet.”
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. “What’ll be, boys?”
The first vampire says, “Blood. Give me blood.”
The second vampire says, “I too wish for blood!”
The third vampire says, “Give me plasma.”
The Bartender smiles and says, “Got it. Two bloods and one blood-light.”
Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Timmy’s test paper?”
Johnny: ”I hope you didn’t see me either!”
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.