My wife bought me a mood ring

Did you hear about the young lady who was addicted to line dancing?
They put her in a two step program.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head, sits down and orders a drink.
Bartender serves the pirate his drink, and asks about the paper towel.
The pirate smiles and says, “That be the bounty on me head!”
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her backyard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
The warehouse foreman walked up on a worker and caught him napping.
“Hey!” the foreman shouted. “Why aren’t you working?”
“Because I didn’t see you coming.”
An officer was sent to her house to investigate and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
“Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked.
“No,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”
• I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
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Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from North Alabama, are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, “You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find.”
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• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
• A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
• Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
• A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
• Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
• Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
I don’t believe you.” says Dolly
“It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
• An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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My wife bought me a mood ring the other day so I would be able to monitor her moods.
We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a giant red mark on my forehead.
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“You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.
“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor.
•••••••••• ​
A squirrel was sitting in an apple tree. All of a sudden a cow started climbing up the tree. Surprised to see a climbing cow the squirrel asked the newcomer, “What the heck are you doing here?”
The cow replied, “I thought I’d eat some oranges.”
“But this is an apple tree.”
“I know. I brought my own.”
A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says: “Uno, dos….”*POOF!!*
He disappeared without a tres.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me … your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”
Here are some interesting takes on aging.
• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
• How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. (Who would tell a terrible lie like that?)
• Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled