A little boy was doing his geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, “Dad, where would I find the Andes?
“Don’t ask me,” said the father. “Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.”
New research found that pigeons can actually be taught to read and write.
Once the researchers finished teaching the pigeon, the first thing it wrote was, “Get a life, man.”
A man was going bald and told his friends he was going to get a rabbit tattooed on his head as it was a lot cheaper than an implant or a toupée.
His friends asked how getting a rabbit tattooed on his head would help?
The man replied, “Well, at least from a distance it will look like hare.”
“Can I have a cigarette?” Jill asked.
“I thought you quit smoking,” Mary said
“I’m in the process of quitting,” Jill said. “Right now I am in the middle of phase one.”
“What’s phase one?” Mary asked.
“I’ve quit buying,” Jill replied.
A college coach had recruited a top talent, but the player couldn’t pass the school’s entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office.
“Okay,” the dean said. “What is seven times seven?”
The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, “I think it’s 49.”
Suddenly the coach leapt to his feet. “Please, Dean,” he begged, “give him another chance!”
Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.
Mr. Smith: I should be, I’ve been practicing all night.
During training exercises, the Lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he encountered another car stuck in the mud, with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is!”
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends
I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up.
“You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”
The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted. “What happened, Honey?” asked his wife.
“It’s a great new idea I have,” he gasped. “I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved $1.50 cents.”
“That wasn’t too smart,” replied his wife. “Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save ten dollars?”
A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer’s wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.
The hired man filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, “We’ve got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too.”
Again, the hired man refilled his plate. Afterward that the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.
“What are you doing”? the farmer asked.
The hired man replied, “I don’t work after supper.”
I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.
I replied, “I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?”
She said, “Why didn’t you get a haircut before your came here?”
I replied, “I didn’t need one before I got here!”
Mom: Having trouble with your computer, son?
Son: My PC says it can’t see my printer.
Mom: I’m not surprised. Look how messy your room is.
A father was interviewing Young Charles.
“So,” said the father, “you want to be my son-in-law, do you?”
“No, not particularly,” said Charles tactlessly, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”
• If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt, you might wish to reconsider this game.
• Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
• Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.
• The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
Alternative meanings for common words…
• Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
• Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you gained.
• Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand), The belief that,
when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. ( that one got extra credit)
9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s
like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.