Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
“Just coffee,’’ said Doug.
“I’ll have black coffee too,” Bill said. “And please make sure the cup is clean.”
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.
“Two cups of black coffee,” she announced. “Which one of you wanted the clean cup?”
An Army jumpmaster was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick.
“How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn’t handle the smooth landing?” asked the jumpmaster.
“Well, sir,” one trainee explained, “We’ve always jumped out of planes. We’ve never actually landed before.”
An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Perhaps, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old woman says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
“Dad, I want to become a politician,” said Jim.
His father asked, “And what are you doing to become one?”
“Good, you’re halfway there then.”
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions. The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
Then, the politician spoke up. “Yes yes, this is all well and true,” he said, “but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.
In one church, he spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign which read, “$10,000 per minute.”
He asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches around the United States, he found more such phones with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.
Finally, the man arrived in Alabama. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But this time, the sign read: “Calls: 25 cents.”
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is that?’’
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: “Son, you’re in Alabama now, it’s a local call.”
• It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
• My cow died last night, so I don’t need your bull.
• He’s as country as cornflakes.
• This is gooder’n grits.
• If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
• If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.