Johnny: “Why does it rain, dad?”
Father: “To make the flowers grow and the grass and the trees.”
Johnny: “So why does it rain on the sidewalk?”
My neighbor, a tailor, has a new job.
I asked him how much he enjoyed it.
“It’s Sew-Sew,” he said.
Romeo: “Somebody loves me.”
Juliet: “Who loves you?”
Romeo: “Do you know that beautiful girl who moved into the corner house last week? I sang a serenade under her window last night, and she threw me a beautiful red, red rose.”
Juliet: “In a moment of mad love?”
Romeo: “No, in a three pound pot.”
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
“Two and a half carats.”
A cheetah and a lion are racing.
The cheetah wins.
The lion says, “You a cheetah!”
The cheetah replies, “Nah, you a lion!”
A man waiting for a bus held his hands about four inches apart. He got on the bus, and when the driver asked for his fare, the man told him to take the money out of his coat pocket. The driver did as he said and drove on.
The man walked to the rear of the bus and sat down, still holding his hands in the same position. A woman passenger turned to him and asked, “Excuse me sir, are you alright?”
“Yes I am, thank you,” he replied.
“Then why are you holding your hands like that?”
“Because I’m on my way to a hardware store and I need a piece of pipe this long.”
Sergeant: “Private, the enemy soldiers are hiding in the woods. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us.”
Private: “Yes, sir! But if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front, sir!”
A man was putting up a knotty pine wall in the living room. His young son was curious.
“What are those holes for?” he asked.
“They’re knotholes,” replied the father.
“If they’re not holes,” the boy asked, “then what are they?”
Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.
As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.
“Why don’t you use an old ball?” his friend Sam asked.
“I’ve never had an old ball,” Morris said.
“Where did the car hit him?” the lawyer asks the medical expert.
“At the junction of the dorsal and cervical vertebrae,” replied the expert.
“I’ve lived in these parts for over fifty years,” protested the jury foreman, “and I have never heard of that place!”
My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him ‘Five Miles’.
That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, “I walk five miles every morning!”
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
– W. C. Fields