What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American Literature?
An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained that he had not slept a wink.
“Why didn’t you count sheep?” his wife asked.
“I did, and that’s what got me into trouble,” the accountant replied. “I made a mistake the first hour, and it took until this morning to correct it.”
A dog was so clever that his owner sent him to college. Home for vacation, the dog admitted he had learned neither history nor science, but added proudly, “I did make a good start in foreign languages.”
“Okay,” replied the owner, “say something in a foreign language.”
The dog said, “Meow!”
A cowboy was leading a flock of sheep down Main Street when he was ordered to stop by the town policeman.
“What’s wrong?” the cowboy asked. “I was just heading my ewes into a side street.”
“That’s the trouble,” the policeman replied. “No ewe turns permitted on Main Street!”
A fisherman carrying a lobster bumped into a friend on the way home.
“Where are you going with the lobster under your arm?” asked his friend.
The fisherman answered, “I’m taking him home to dinner.”
Just then the lobster spoke up, “I’ve already had my dinner, can we go to a movie instead?”
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she was googling my name last night on her computer.
I saw it clearly through my binoculars!
Bob: Hey Al, you know you owe me $500.
Bob: I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll forget half of the money.
Al: That’s perfect, I’ll forget the other half.
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, “Say, why did the foreman fire you?”
Replied the second, “You know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work? Well, my foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman.”
Shop assistant: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Shop assistant: You didn’t even try it on?
Psychic: I’m a medium.
Marine corporal (at a party): “Do you see that officer over there? He is the meanest egg I have ever seen. He is an ugly sap of an officer.”
She: “Do you know who I am? I am that officer’s daughter.”
Corporal: “Do you know who I am?”
A trusted aid was counseling the senator, “Some of your constituents are beginning to disagree with you.”
The senator replied, “Keep tabs on them. When enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I’ll turn around and agree with them.”
Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?” asks the despairing one.
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
The patient responded, “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quick sand and took four leaks behind big trees.’’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one heck of an outdoorsman!’’
“Nah,’’ the patient replied, “I’m just a bad golfer.’’