Two music lovers were being held hostage and both were going to be shot. One of them was a country music lover and the other enjoyed all types of music. Before they were shot they were asked for one last request before they died.
The country music lover said, “I would like to listen to ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ 50 times in a row.”
The other music lover said, “Please, shoot me first!”
“Where do you see yourself in six months?”
“I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 vision.”
Upon arrival, the lumberjack started to swing at the tree, when the tree suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said, “And you will dialogue!”
Man: “Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?
Priest: “My son, do you mean a choir?”
Man: “Fine Father, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”
A penguin walks into a bar. He goes to the counter and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
Bartender replies, “I don’t know, what does he look like?”
A gorilla walks into a bar and, to the amazement of the bartender, orders a martini. When the bartender gives the gorilla the martini, he is further surprised to see that the ape is holding a $20 bill.
The bartender takes the $20 bill, then he decides to see just how smart the gorilla is, so he hands the gorilla $1 change. The gorilla quietly sips the martini until the bartender breaks the silence.
“We don’t get too many apes in here,” he says.
The gorilla replies, “At $19 a drink, I’m not surprised.”
The crocodile walked into a trendy menswear store, approached the assistant and asked, “Do you have shirts with pictures of people on the pocket?”
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college.
“I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”
His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer.
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3 am. Can you believe it?
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I were packing to move, when I received a call to report to a crime scene.
“I have to go,” I told my wife. “Two of our guards were held up at gunpoint at a superstore.”
As I dashed out the door, she called, “While you’re there, pick up some big cardboard boxes.”
A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.
“I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!” she said.
The groomer replied, “That may be true. But then you don’t bite, do you?”
What did the Brit say when he paid 2,000 pounds for his fridge?
“Goodness gracious, that costs a ton!”
A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. He paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
“Oh,” confided the collector, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine!”