60 may be the new 40

Driver “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
Officer: “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
Driver: “That would be my wife.”
••••••••••
I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.
I knew right away it was from my Uncle Ben.
••••••••••
Cops were called to a house because the wife of the house said she killed her husband.
The cops asked the lady why she murdered her husband.
She said, “I just finished mopping the floor and he walked on it.”
The cops called the police chief and told him what happed and he asked if they arrested her?
“No Chief,’’ the answered, “the floors still wet”
••••••••••
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.
“The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.
His took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “Yuck, that’s terrible,” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” said the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”
••••••••••
60 may be the new 40. But the $100 dollar bill is the new $20 dollar bill.
••••••••••
Son: “Dad, guess what? I’ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who’s been married for 30 years.”
Father: “Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you’ll get a speaking part.”
••••••••••
Dear Son: I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison. Love, Dad.
Shortly, the old man received a response from his son: “For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the garden!! That’s where I buried the guns.’’
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son: “Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’’
••••••••••
Son: “Hello. Ma, you don’t sound too good are you OK?”
Mom: “Well son, I haven’t eaten in over a month.”
Son: “But why Ma?”
Mom: “Well, I didn’t want to be in the middle of a meal in case you called.”
••••••••••
A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, “We fought again, I can’t do this anymore. I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
••••••••••
My wife left me because I’m insecure.
No wait, she’s back, she just went to get coffee.
••••••••••
Customer: “How much for a hearing aid.
Salesman: “Anywhere from $2 to $2,000.”
Customer: “Can I see the $2 model?”
Salesman: “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket.”
Customer: “How does it work?” Salesman: “For $2, it doesn’t work. But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder.”
••••••••••
I was in the chemist lab and I said to the assistant, “What gets rid of germs?”
She said, “Ammonia cleaner.”
I said, “Oh sorry, I thought you worked here.”
••••••••••
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
••••••••••
Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!
••••••••••
Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds.
But instead I’m going to run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.
••••••••••
My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favorite Star Wars character. You should’ve seen the Luke on his face!