Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have broken ribs.
If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months.
“Madam, your husband must have absolute rest.”
“Well, Doctor, he won’t listen to me.”
“A very good beginning, madam.”
How does a flower child polygamist count his wives?
One Mrs. hippie…Two Mrs. hippie…Three Mrs. hippie…
My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer.
He said, “You can’t drink while you’re working.”
I said, “Oh, don’t worry – I’m not working.”
Did you hear about the four walruses who decided to form a rock band?
They have just completed their album and their first single is called, ‘I Am The Beatle’.
Arriving late for a political conference, the college student asks another student standing by the door, “How long has the candidate been talking now?”
“Half an hour.”
“And what is he talking about?”
“That I wouldn’t know, he hasn’t said.”
The barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
In an attempt to seem busy, a lawyer picked up the phone and gestured for the man to come in while he pretended he was talking to a very important person.
After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologised to the man and said: “Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I’m a very busy man. What can I do for you?”
“I’m from the telephone company. I’m here to hook up your phone,” he answered.
A man enters a cafe and sits at a table.
A waitress asks for his order.
“One coffee, please, without cream,” he replies.
The waitress responds, “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to take it without milk; we haven’t any cream”.
Yesterday, I saw a sign at the university that read: “The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people….”
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested, “A basketball coach?”
St. Peter: “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 153 years old! God himself wants to see you!”
Lawyer: “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and found to be worthy, but I was only 41.”
St. Peter: “That’s impossible son. We’ve added up your billable hours.”
A woman had an attack of laryngitis and lost her voice completely for two days.
To help her communicate, her husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant “Give me a kiss,” two taps meant “Yes,” seven taps meant “No,” and 95 taps meant “Take out the garbage.”
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The husband said, “No sweetie.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would.”
Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
The husband replied, “No, she’s left-handed.”
• “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
• “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen