Laughter is the best medicine

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have broken ribs.
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If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months.
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“Madam, your husband must have absolute rest.”
“Well, Doctor, he won’t listen to me.”
“A very good beginning, madam.”
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How does a flower child polygamist count his wives?
One Mrs. hippie…Two Mrs. hippie…Three Mrs. hippie…
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My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer.
He said, “You can’t drink while you’re working.”
I said, “Oh, don’t worry – I’m not working.”

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Did you hear about the four walruses who decided to form a rock band?
They have just completed their album and their first single is called, ‘I Am The Beatle’.
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Arriving late for a political conference, the college student asks another student standing by the door, “How long has the candidate been talking now?”

“Half an hour.”
“And what is he talking about?”
“That I wouldn’t know, he hasn’t said.”
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The barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
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In an attempt to seem busy, a lawyer picked up the phone and gestured for the man to come in while he pretended he was talking to a very important person.
After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologised to the man and said: “Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I’m a very busy man. What can I do for you?”
“I’m from the telephone company. I’m here to hook up your phone,” he answered.
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A man enters a cafe and sits at a table.
A waitress asks for his order.
“One coffee, please, without cream,” he replies.
The waitress responds, “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to take it without milk; we haven’t any cream”.
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Yesterday, I saw a sign at the university that read: “The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people….”
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In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested, “A basketball coach?”
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St. Peter: “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 153 years old! God himself wants to see you!”
Lawyer: “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and found to be worthy, but I was only 41.”
St. Peter: “That’s impossible son. We’ve added up your billable hours.”
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A woman had an attack of laryngitis and lost her voice completely for two days.

To help her communicate, her husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant “Give me a kiss,” two taps meant “Yes,” seven taps meant “No,” and 95 taps meant “Take out the garbage.”
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A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The husband said, “No sweetie.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would.”
Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
The husband replied, “No, she’s left-handed.”
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• “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
• “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen