My grandfather invented the cold air balloon

A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
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Me: “Every morning while my wife was preparing breakfast, I noticed that she was going the fridge, to the stove, to the table, and the pantry and each time holding just one item. So I said, Honey, that takes so long, why don’t you try carrying more than one item at a time?”
He: “And did it work?”
Me: “Well, technically yes. It used to take her 17 minutes to prepare my breakfast, now it takes me just 12.”
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When a strip club isn’t open there should be a sign that reads:
“Sorry, We’re Clothed!”
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Remember when we cried as kids, our parents replied with, “I’ll give you something to cry about!”
We just never thought that, instead of hitting us, they’d destroy the housing market, quadruple college tuition, and melt the polar ice caps.
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How does a train hear another train coming?
With its engineers.
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I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
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A workman, complete with tool chest, knocked on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”
I said, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”
The man replied, “I know, but your neighbors did.”
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A 90-year-old man was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries.
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
The man turned around and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”
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Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my first dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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Two bacteria walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.
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A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong.
He told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
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“Ere Paddy, how come them scuba divers always fall backwards off the boat ?”
“Well if they fell off frontwards, they’d still be on the bloody boat,” Paddy replied.
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Two doctors decided to invest in an Air BnB. Despite all their marketing, they couldn’t attract even a single customer.
So they decided to call their venture “Doctors Without Boarders.”
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A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where in tarnation have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – heck, even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!”
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Census Taker: “How many children do you have?”
Woman: “Four.”
Census Taker: “May I have their names, please?”
Woman: “Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George.”
Census Taker: “Okay, that’s fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?”
Woman: “Because we didn’t want any Moe!”
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